Whoa. Like, whoa.

Have you ever read something that kinda makes your head feel like it's gonna explode because the stuff you found out was so unbelievable? But even though it was unbelievable, you knew it was true and you finally were putting pieces together that had kind of been floating around without direction inside your head? Well, that happened to me today.

When I started researching vaccines two months ago, I had no idea what I would encounter, nor that this blog would come into being, nor that I would become so passionate about it. I even thought, if vaccines truly have legitimate dangers, then our government is not being honest with us ... and if I believe that, then I would have to be some sort of conspiracy theorist. If I discover information that makes me reconsider vaccinating, then people are going to think I am crazy. I'm going to be on the "outside." My family is going to talk about me behind my back, my doctor is going to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, that I'm endangering my child, and my friends are going to wonder what kind of nutty I'd have to be to say, "I don't believe my government, and I don't believe my doctor." I mean, that's nuts, right? That's out there.

Well, if you want to find out how those stray pieces came together for me today, read this:

1) Medical Mistakes Through the Ages, by Kim Stagliano (blogger),

and/or this:

2) Deadly Immunity, by Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. in Rolling Stone (2005)
[EDITED 5/14/08 to add]: I have the documents to back this story up if anyone wants them. Just email me at cadillacmtn2000@gmail.com.

and this:

3) Kennedy Report Sparks Controversy, by Rolling Stone editors (less than a month after the story above) They say, "Rolling Stone and Salon fact-checked the article thoroughly before publication, insisting on primary documentation for every statement in the story, and posted links to the most significant materials online to enable readers to judge for themselves."
And, "'Science,' as one doctor in our story insisted, 'is best left to scientists.' But when the scientists fail to do their job, resorting to closed-door meetings and rigged studies, others in society have not only a right but a moral obligation to question their work."

Epiphany. Either these things happened, or they didn't. Either I can trust the government and medical community to be honest with me about vaccines, or I can't. And though it is grave, it's still not just about the mercury -- it's still not just about the autism. There is so much more. So much.

With all this, I can only turn to the One who is sovereign over all. The One who holds my child's life in His hands. The One who watches over us when we lay down our heads and sleep. When I look at my son asleep in his bed, I am amazed that he is well, that he wakes every morning and gets to play all day. I am amazed at Christ's mercy in the midst of a suffering world.

"Arise, O Lord; O God, lift up Your hand; forget not the afflicted.
Why does the wicked renounce God and say in his heart, 'You will not call to account'?
But You do see, for You note mischief and vexation, that You may take it into Your hands;
to You the helpless commits himself;
You have been the helper of the fatherless."
-- Psalm 10:14